Good morning you have reached the former KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, now DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF HEAVEN. Please listen to our menu carefully as some options are no longer available. To pray to Allah press 1; for God press 2; for Jehovah press 3. For all other religions please stay on the line and the Deity on Duty will listen to your jeremiads.
While you are waiting we would like to update you on some of our services. If you are an unrepentant sinner, please dial H to talk to a representative in the LOWER REPUBLIC. Please note that we have a half price special on repentance coupons. Place your order now as supplies are limited….[Music plays Nearer my God to thee…]
Please note also that our health representative is currently on sick leave so please postpone all quick recovery prayers.
[Music plays Hava Nagila…….] We would also like to inform you that we are experiencing a shortage of miracles and are awaiting a new supply momentarily. [Music plays chanting of ALLAH HU AKBAR…..]
Thank you for staying on the line. All our representatives are currently busy annoying other supplicants. Your call is unimportant to us but you have no other choices…While you are waiting please have your passport or identity card ready so we can process your request. Please continue holding the line …holding the line…holding….